It’s a Saturday shorty today as I have a wedding I have to bartend in a little bit. In the meantime enjoy this little story about house hunting.

“This is in the Piedmont school district right?” Loraine asked.

“Just inside, yes,” the real estate agent explained. “Beach, I believe, is the closest K-12.”

“That’s where our girls go already. That’s perfect,” she beamed.

“Do you know whether this is a load bearing wall?” Doug asked, knocking on the wall separating the kitchen and living room.

“I had that same question,” the blonde woman said. “That would really open this floorplan up, wouldn’t it? No, it’s not loadbearing.” 

“Oh, that’s great,” Doug nodded. 

The real estate agent stopped a moment, an unusual movement for the woman who had been non-stop smiles and information during the tour so far. “There is one thing about this property…” 

“What’s that, Debbie?” Loraine asked.

Debbie gave an exaggerated shrug with her whole body. “California law states that if anyone has died on the property it has to me disclosed.”

“Oh!” Loraine involuntarily stepped closer to Doug. “Did…” she started then finished in a whisper, “anyone die here?”

Debbie grimaced and nodded. “A few years ago there was a short in an unpermitted buried power line to the hot tub and a woman walking through the yard stepped in a puddle and was electrocuted.”

“That’s terrible!” Loraine gasped.

“Absolutely!” Debbie agreed. The yard was excavated and all the wiring was replaced – with full, detailed permitting,” she added with emphasis. “It was a freak accident.”

“Sounds like it,” Doug agreed.

“I hate to even bring it up, but… disclosure, you know.”

“Oh…totally,” Loraine nodded quickly.

“And I hope that doesn’t put you off of this place,” Debbie held her hands up.

“Oh no!” Loraine said, “We really love it!” She looked up to Doug who nodded. “We need to talk, but I expect we’ll put an offer in this afternoon.”

“That’s great!” Debbie led them back to the front door. “Here’s my card,” she handed both business cards. “We’ll be in touch?”

“Count on it!” Loraine smiled broadly. “Thank you so much!” 

“My pleasure,” Debbie shook their hands. “Have a great afternoon and call me if you have any questions.” The couple stepped down the front steps as Debbie closed the door. 

Standing on the sidewalk, Loraine brought up her iPhone to take a picture of the house, “This place is perfect!” she said as she tried to fit the house in the frame.

“Sure is,” Doug agreed, “I love that garage, too!”

A black Mercedes SUV pulled up to the curb next to them, and a woman in a sharp pantsuit stepped out. “Loraine? Doug? I’m so sorry I’m late!” They stared blankly at her. “I hope you haven’t been waiting long.” 

“Who are you?”

“Julie. The listing agent? I was going to show you the house.”

“But… we just saw the house…”

“Who…?”

“She said her name was Debbie…” Loraine took out the business card, “Debbie Prindell.”

The color faded out of Julie’s face and she placed a hand on the SUV to steady herself. “Debbie Prindell was electrocuted showing this house three years ago.”

True: the original story is Fern’s favorite of all the 31 Ghost stories. I’m not going to go that far, but I have always liked their repertoire and hoped to find a way to get back to them. And here we are, call it two years since we last met Maria and her sister, Tina

“Maria, I mean it, we’ll be fine. She’s a helpless baby and I’m a ghost.”

“That? That’s supposed to reassure me?”

Tina laughed. “Come on, sis, it’s your meet-cute anniversary! You and Martin need to go paint the town red… and blue flashing lights.”

“New cop joke?” Martin said as he buttoned the cuff of his dress shirt. “That one’s good, T.”

“Thank you, Martin.” Then to Maria, “At least someone appreciates my humor.”

“I’d appreciate your humor more if I wasn’t about to leave my precious year-old baby in the company of my sister the apparition!”

“That’s cold,” Tina said, crossing her arms.

“Yeah, exactly!”

“M, I’m not gonna lie, you’re hurting my feelings.”

“T, I’m sorry, but…” She turned to Martin, “Martin, can you help me here? This is a terrible idea.”

“I don’t know, babe, we’ve been over this,” he finished his right sleeve and started counting on each finger. “One, we’re going to the Italian place two blocks away. TWO BLOCKS. Two, your mom said she’d come by and check Christy at nine on her way home from her bridge game, so really T’s only going to be holding down the fort for like an hour and a half.”

“Two hours! She never leaves on time!”

“Eh,” Martin waved her away. “Three,” he pointed to Tina who walked over to the bassinet reached in and delicately picked up her niece and held her to her chest. “Three, your sister can interact with Christy! Don’t know why, maybe it’s the name thing, maybe it’s a baby thing – T have you ever tried holding another baby?”

Tina shrugged as she gently bounced Christy. “No, never wanted to. But this angel,” she ducked her face close to Christy’s face who giggled and let out a delighted squeal.

Maria let out a heavy sigh at the sight of her sister holding her daughter. “That’s the one,” she said softly. “That’s why.

“Four,” Martin said quietly not to disturb the scene, “Allie’s daughter, Sadie, is next door and has a key. If something goes horribly astray, Tina can zip through the wall and get a living teenager to assist.”

Maria held up her hands in surrender. “You’re right,” she said smiling. Martin stepped close and pulled her into a kiss. She leaned against him and watched her sister holding Christy. “I have no idea how that works, but I can’t express how happy it makes me.” Martin squeezed her tightly as Tina made goo goo noises at the baby.

…

“The baby lay in her crib by herself,” Christy giggled up at Maria as she narrated. “Suddenly, the crib started rocking,” she gave the rocking crib a gentle push and started it rocking to and fro on its rocker rails. She managed a deep menacing voice, “And there was no one there!”  Christy squealed at the motion. “Well, no one but a silly ghost. Isn’t that right, Christy?” She looked up at the clock on the wall with the cartoon sheep. “Your grammie will be by in another hour. Do you want to rest?”

Christy’s smile faded as she looked past Tina.

“What is it, Christy?”

Christy started to whimper and then broke into a cry.

“What’s wrong, sweetie? Do you need to be changed?”

Christy’s eyes grew wide as her cry grew sharper. Tina turned and saw what made the baby cry. A black spot on the opposite wall started to grow lengthwise. Then came a tearing noise that filled the room and drowned out Christy’s crying as the black spot spread to the floor and ceiling and suddenly the wall split, brilliant crimson light shone through the rent, blinding Tina who shielded Christy’s face with a hand. The light dimmed as an enormous cloaked figure stepped through the hole. It’s face hidden in the shadows of its cowl, it placed one bony foot onto the carpet decorated with giraffes and elephants.

Tina got to her feet. “What do you want?” she asked defiantly. Not waiting for an answer, she said, “I’m not going!”

The cowl gently moved side to side. A bony hand extended from the depths of a sleeve, its slender ivory index finger pointed at the crib.

“Oh, fuck no!” Tina said, scooping the crying baby up in her arms. “You stay the hell back, Skeletor.” She backed out of the room down the hallway. The Reaper moved slowly, patiently out into the hallway after her. “Shit,” Tina said aloud, then catching her curse, said to the sobbing baby, “Sorry, Christie. Shh, shh,” she tried to calm the infant, “Auntie T isn’t going to let that sackcloth sociopath get near you.”

As the Reaper moved down the hallway, Tina could see frost along the chocolate carpet where his bony footfalls had been. Tina and the baby backed into the small family room. She intended to walk around the couch, but realized she was already halfway through it, so backed all the way and into the coffee table. The Reaper, by contrast, had to step around the couch. But Tina knew the apartment wasn’t large. He was going to corner them eventually.

She reached down to pick up the fruit bowl on the table to throw at the Reaper, but her hand closed right through it. “Damn it! Crap, bad choice of words!” She continued backwards slowly coming up against the wall. She stared at the opposite side of the apartment and realized Sadie was probably right on the other side of that wall doing her… YouTube, or whatever kids did on computers. The Reaper closed the distance slowly step by icy step.

Then it stopped. That was good.

Then it spoke. That was bad.

“You cannot win,” a disembodied resonant voice rumbled. “I have come for the child.”

“She’s just a baby! How can you take a little baby?!” Tina yelled back.

“SIDS,” the voice spoke the acronym like a hiss.

“Not on my watch,” Tina said. “Look here, Reaper, maybe you haven’t crossed a pissed off Puerto Rican ghost before, but I will beat your ass if you come one step closer.”

“You cannot win,” the voice repeated.

Tina balanced Christy in her arm securely. “Well, I’m not going down without a fight. Bring it, bony.”

The Reaper stepped towards her. Tina stared up at the light fixture on the wall the Reaper was passing. She stared at it and sent a surge of energy at the lights which exploded in a shower of sparks and glass against the hooded figure, stunning it momentarily.

Tina darted straight across the room through the coffee table and couch, spinning to keep the baby from slamming into the door frame as she moved into the kitchen. She cast a look back and saw the Reaper had recovered and turned towards her, moving one foot and then the other…

She stared at the wall next to the fridge. “Her room starts there…. Bed probably there…. That means, right here…”

Sadie sat at her desk watching Lauren Curtis demonstrate “THE BASIC EYELINER HACK THAT CHANGED MY LIFE” for the third time. She reached for her eyeliner pencil almost ready to try herself in the lighted mirror next to her laptop when an arm reached through the wall and the hand frantically poked through her laptop screen.

“What the hell?!” she screamed.

Maria’s head came through the wall. “Sadie,” she said, “It’s me Tina! I need your help! There’s a frickin’ grim reaper trying to kill Christy.”

“What?!”

“Grim Reaper! Grab something, anything. Come over here and throw something at it! Help!” The head and arm disappeared. Sadie leapt up and bounded out of her room.

Tina pulled her head back out of the wall and checked on the Reaper who had crossed almost to the kitchen. She looked down at Christy who had stopped crying and just looked terrified. “Hey girl, it’s gonna be okay,” she looked up at the advancing tall figure, “Somehow…”

When the Reaper’s foot crossed into the kitchen, Tina sprinted for the opposite doorway and back into the hallway. She backed slowly down the hallway again as the Reaper stepped from the kitchen.

The front door burst inwards between the Reaper and Tina as Sadie charged in roaring a warbling cry holding a white oval bottle. She turned to her right, saw Tina who pointed down the hallway. Sadie spun and saw the tall Reaper almost upon her. She screamed and started spraying the Reaper.

Tina crinkled her nose at a sharp floral scent. “Sadie, what is that?”

“It said ‘Saint’,” she yelled as she kept spraying. Stepping back she held the bottle for Tina to see.

“Sadie, hon, that’s Kat Von D perfume called ‘Saint’. Death never smelled so good, but that’s not going to stop it! Duck!”

Sadie ducked as the Reaper extended a hand right to where her head would have been. She lurched backwards towards Tina. “Do you have anything else?”

“Yes!” she fumbled in the bag she had slung over a shoulder and came out with a foot-long silver crucifix. As soon as the cross cleared the bag it erupted into blinding white light.

“Uh, Sadie, you could have led with that.”

Sadie stared awe struck at the shining cross. She looked quizzically at Tina.

“I don’t know, but shine that thing at him!” she yelled as the Reaper bore down on them.

Sadie stood up holding the cross in front of her like a shield. The Reaper howled and held its sleeves up over its eyes.

“Move on him, Sadie!”

Sadie stepped forward. The Reaper retreated down the hallway. “Be gone, demon!” Sadie yelled as she moved towards it.

“Yeah, fuck off, asshole! Oh, sorry Christie. Ear muffs!”

The Reaper backed into the nursery. Sadie didn’t let up for a moment but pressed him back towards the rent in the wall. Just before it stepped back into the hole, Tina said, “Sadie, wait.” Sadie halted, glowing cross still in front of her.

“Look you son of a bitch. You come back into this realm for my niece again, and I promise you I will destroy you.”

“You are already on borrowed time, ghost,” the voice, now strained, still boomed.

“Oh yeah?” she said raising her arm fingers outstretched like she was going to choke the Reaper if it hadn’t been four feet away. “Borrow this!” she clutched her fingers into a fist and the Reaper’s bony hands went to its neck in self-defense. It staggered to one knee, then with an enormous effort toppled backwards through the hole which sealed instantly behind it, the light yellow paint unmarred again.

Sadie stared open mouthed at Tina. “Where did you get that Jedi master shit, Tina?!”

Tina stared at her fist then let her arm fall and cradled her niece. “Me? Where’d you get that power-of-God thing?”

Sadie looked at the cross which had faded back to a tarnished silver crucifix when the portal in the wall sealed itself. “That was pretty badass, right?”

“Uh, Yeah!” Tina said.

“Hey little one,” Sadie leaned in to Christy. “You’re safe now, pumpkin!”

“So, Sadie… you don’t think we could, you know, maybe put that cross up on the wall there?” She pointed with her chin at the now portal-free wall.

“Oh, yeah. My mom had it in a drawer. She’ll ask about it when my Nana comes by this Christmas, but… it’s fine. Nails?”

“Junk drawer in the kitchen,” Tina said, setting her niece back into her crib.

…

Tina heard the door open, but didn’t move.

Maria came gingerly into the nursery. “Hey, sis, how’s my girl?”

“She’s good,” Tina said, nodding.

“Yeah? Any problems?”

“Umm… We’ll talk in the morning.”

Maria caught a glint behind her. “Where did the crucifix come from?”

“Yeah, that’s part of the story… So, how was dinner?”

Part 2 of 2! We pick up with David and Daniel and a pissed off house ghost…

“My laptop is dead,” Daniel said. “I plugged it in last night, it was supposedly charging all night…”

“That’s weird. You don’t think it’s related to…”

“To my charging cable?” Daniel stopped David from going down that well-trodden track. “Yes, David, that must be it,” he said giving David a look to halt further discussion. “Is your cord in the office? Can you grab it?”

David sighed. “Sure. Yes. Absolutely.” He crossed to the office doorway and let out a scream.

“What?!”

David had retreated back across the family room. “Rattlesnake!”

“What the hell?”

“In there!” David pointed to the office. “Fucker is coiled and , and…” he shook his fist.

“Rattling?”

“Yes! What do we do?!” he sat heavily on the leather couch and reached for a throw pillow as a shield.

Daniel strode across the floor to the door.

“Daniel, no!”

“Nothing,” he said looking into the room. “There’s nothing in here.”

“What if it’s hiding. Daniel! Don’t go in–“ but it was too late. Daniel disappeared inside the room. David clutched the pillow tightly.

“No snake,” Daniel said as he came out, annoyance plain on his face. “Except for this,” he shook the snarled laptop charging cable. “Would it kill you to wind a cable up?”

“Daniel, there was a snake in there.”

“David…”

“And this morning the water in the bathroom turned on by itself. And last night that picture your niece painted fell off the wall. And the day before that…”

“David, enough!”

“Daniel, you almost died Monday night.”

Daniel sat down on the couch. “I didn’t die. My CPAP machine malfunctioned. There was a tremor the other night. The sink is ancient. And the snake… your imagination,” he said calmly, putting his arm around David.

David rested his head against Daniel’s chest. “I didn’t make that up, Daniel. We angered the–“

“Don’t say it, David.”

“You can’t pretend this is all coincidence.”

“You’re right.”

David picked his head up and looked quizzically at Daniel.

“You’re right,” he said and abruptly stood up. He cleared his throat dramatically. “Okay ghost, we know you’re here,” he called loudly.

“Domovoi.”

“Okay, Domovoi?” he looked at David who nodded. “We know you’re here. But this is our house now, not yours. You can’t scare us!”

“No!” David said. “That’s just it, it’s our house, but it’s his too. He’s angry we’re disturbing it.”

Daniel rolled his eyes. “Sorry, Domovoi, I misspoke. Yes, it’s our house, but it’s your house too. Certainly we can get along, okay?” He looked around the room as if expecting an answer.

“We’re sorry about the renovation!” David called into the silence.

“Uh, sure,” Daniel agreed. “But we’re still finishing it,” he said looking pointedly at David.

“As long as you’re okay with that, Domovoi!” David amended.

“David?” Daniel whispered. “What are you doing? We’re not going to stop the remodel…”

“No, sure,” David whispered back. “But the Domovoi has to feel a part of this.”

“A part of it?” Daniel whispered back. “How do we do that?”

“There’s…” he waved his hands wildly, “Some ritual or something.”

Daniel mimicked David’s wild gesticulation. “Is this the international gesture for ‘ritual’?”

David scowled at him.

“Look, Domovoi, we’re all in this together. Can we work together?”

The front door exploded inward as a torrent of wind howled through the doorway with a roar, blasting David and Daniel. The wind died abruptly, and the only noise was the door swinging on its hinges as David and Daniel stared dumbfounded.

“So,” Daniel said, “That’s a no?”

The knocking kept them up all night.

David could hear Daniel’s breathing shift to sleep breathing and he himself started to drift off… Loud rapping in the office, erratic in intensity, it seemed to roam around the room from corner to corner.  They looked at each other.

The knocking stopped.

David sighed. Daniel rolled over.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK from the ceiling above them as if an orangutan was bouncing around in the attic and furiously wanted to break through and onto their bed.

“For fuck’s sake!” Daniel said climbing out of bed. He started getting dressed.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going… somewhere. Leaving here for the night!”

The knocking stopped.

“It stopped.”

“For now!”

“Maybe for real?”

“You really think so?”

“Daniel don’t go. I don’t want to be alone.”

Daniel stopped tying his shoe. He turned to look at David’s panicked eyes. He undressed and climbed back into bed. David lay his head on his chest.

The knocking started in the kitchen.

Daniel stroked David’s hair as they both lay awake for the rest of the night.

When the first sunlight backlit the curtains, Daniel opened his eyes. He realized the knocking had to have stopped at some point and they both finally fell into exhausted sleep.

“Mmm?” David stirred.

“I guess we did get a little sleep.”

David settled down onto his pillow as Daniel started to get out of bed. “Where are you going?” he asked sleepily.

“Bathroom.”

“Oh.” He heard Daniel’s footsteps out of the room, across the family room to the bathroom. He heard the door open. Pause. He heard the door close again, and Daniel’s footsteps back across the floor. “Problem?”

“The bathroom is full of bees.”

“Bees?”

“Bees.”

David hurried out of bed and to the bathroom door. Hand on the knob, he opened the door slowly. A ray of sunlight illuminated the small bathroom and shone on hundreds of thousands of bees blanketing every surface, their collective buzz an aural assault. He shut the door with a little slam. He crossed back to the bedroom and started to get dressed. “Let’s go.”

They didn’t come back for two months.

By that point the contractors finished the remodel that was supposed to take three weeks. Daniel and David took turns nightly listening to the litany of troubles on the jobsite: tools malfunctioning, concrete refusing to dry, a healthy redwood fell across the yard, barely missed the house but crushed the foreman’s Ford F-250. The lead contractor arrived early one morning and was chased off the site by a honest-to-god grizzly bear. His guys didn’t believe it. Daniel and David did.

But eventually the addition was completed, and David and Daniel arrived in the middle of the day. The house was quiet as the contractor showed them the new bathroom and laundry room. The work looked great and they were smiles all around. David and Daniel shared a knowing look when the contractor said goodbye and practically ran to his truck.

They closed the front door and walked to the kitchen. David opened the cloth grocery bag he had sat on the counter. Daniel took the French baguette from Costeaux bakery in Healdsburg and set it carefully on the new slate floor directly in front of the gleaming six burner Wolf range. David knelt down and opened the glass bottle of Strauss milk and poured it into a china bowl with a delicate blue and gold net pattern that the man in the antique store assured them came from Czarist Russia. Daniel set a matching plate down and emptied a small bag of sweet-smelling pipe tobacco.

He straightened up and stood at the edge of the kitchen staring at the offering. Taking David’s hand, Daniel spoke quietly, kindly. “Domovoi, we make this offering to you. We’re both sorry to disturb the house and to imply that you were anything other than a welcome member of this household.” He smiled at David who smiled back at him.

“We’re not the old Russian family, Domovoi,” David added. “But… we hope to earn your trust again.”

The house creaked loudly. And then it settled. David and Daniel both felt the house at peace.

Daniel sighed. “I’m so relieved,” he said. “I didn’t want to steal one of the neighbor’s chickens to sacrifice…”

“Right?” David agreed. “’Hi, we’re your new gay neighbors. Don’t mind us, we just have to perform an animal sacrifice to appease the angry house ghost.’”

“That would have been super awkward…”

“Domovoi,” David addressed the air, “I will make my signature fried chicken! That’s so much better than some bloody bird carcass!”

One of the burners on the stove burst to high flame.

“Well, uh, not tonight. But soon!”