Today 5:46pm

Alexander, we need to talk.

Dad?

Yes, it’s your father. Who else would it be?

But… you’re… dead.

Yes, I understand that. But there’s something very important we need to talk about.

Yes, dad. What do you want to talk about?

There’s a mistake on my death certificate and I need you to change it.

…That’s it? A mistake on your death certificate?

It’s a very important document, Alexander.

Dad, you’re literally texting me from beyond the grave and this is what you want to talk about?

What else would I want to talk about?

ANYTHING? You love me? You’re proud of me? You have a secret Swiss Bank account you want to give me the access code do… I don’t know, dad, anything but a mistake on your death certificate! Like, seriously, you came back for this?

No, nevermind, this makes perfect sense. This is very you.

Alexander, I can see how this might make you upset.

Upset? No, I’m just breaking the laws of the universe by texting my dead father. Why would that make me upset?

Look, I don’t know how much time I have here. Can I explain the issue?

How much time you have? Is heaven like prison? Do you get timed earth calls?

No… Alexander, this is important.

Yeah, of course it is. You’re talking to me from beyond the veil. What is it, dad?

On my death certificate, the “Usual Occupation” lists me as “Retired” instead of “Teacher.”

Yeah, dad, you were retired for ten years before you died. Do you not remember that part?

No, son, the instructions clearly state that “Usual Occupation” the job the person held for the greatest number of working years – it explicitly says not to use “retired.”

Dad, I love you. I miss you so much. But how does this matter?

Alexander, I was a teacher for 40 years! That was the defining aspect of my life! Of course it’s important!

What am I? Chopped liver?

Stop it, Alexander – you know you and your sister are precious to me. But this is important, too. And this is the last document of my life – I want it to be an accurate record of who I was.

And you were retired, dad.

Alexander, it specifically says you can’t put that.

Dad, I just buried you. I closed your accounts. I dealt with the house. I filled out seventeen forms. I am not reopening this whole process because one box says “Retired.”

It was a very beautiful service, too. Thank you. But could you just take care of this last thing?

I love you, Dad. And I miss you terribly. Julie misses you. We wish you were here still.

I love you, Alex.

Agent: You have reached the California Department of Public Health, Vital Records department. I am an automated agent. How may I help you?

User: Hi, I need to correct a death certificate.

Agent: You need to correct a death certificate. Is this right?

User: Yes. That is right.

Agent: What is your relationship to the deceased?

User: It’s me. I’m the deceased.

Agent: Invalid response. Please provide your relationship to the deceased.

User: I am the deceased.

Agent: Invalid response. Please provide your relationship to the deceased.

User: That’s me. I’m dead. I’m the one on the death certificate.

Agent: … Please wait while I attempt to connect you with a live agent…

User: That’s ironic…

…

Agent: Thank you for contacting the California Department of Public Health, Vital Records. I’m Elaine, may I get your name?

User: Hi Elaine. I’m Charlie. Charlie Andrews.

Agent: Okay, thank you Mr. Andrews. How may I help you today?

User: I need to fix an error on a death certificate.

Agent: Alright. Just letting you know up front that we may need supporting documents, but first, what is the name of the deceased?

User: Charlie Andrews. Well, Charles Lemont Andrews.

Agent: Thank you, Mr. Andrews. And what is your relationship with the deceased?

User: It’s me. I’m Charles Lemont Andrews.

Agent: So, the deceased is your father? You’re Charles Lemont Andrews Junior?

User: No, there’s no junior or senior – that’s me. I’m the deceased.

Agent: Sir, maybe I’m not being clear…

User: I’m dead, Elaine. I need to get my death certificate fixed.

Agent:

User: Hello?

Agent: I’m sorry, sir, let me get you over to one of my supervisors…

…

Agent: Hi, Charlie, this is Marisol. I’m a supervisor here. Elaine provided me with your details. You’re claiming to be the decedent?

User: Hi Marisol. Yes, that’s correct. I’m the dead guy on the form.

Agent: Well, Charlie, we don’t get a lot of requests from the other side. You indicated you needed something changed on a… on your death certificate. Is that right?

User: Yes, that’s correct.

Agent: What exactly did you need changed?

User: The “Usual Occupation” field is incorrect. It says “retired,” but it should read “Teacher.”

Agent: I’m pulling it up right now… Oh… yes, I see it does say “retired.” …That shouldn’t have been accepted that way…

User: That’s what I tried to tell my son!

Agent: You contacted your son about this?

User: Yes, I texted him.

Agent: I see… and what did he say?

User: That it wasn’t important.

Agent: I guess when he’s being contacted by his late father, correcting a clerical error might seem a little insignificant.

User: Yes, I suppose you’re right.

Agent: The bad news is, I’m not sure how much we can help you from here. There’s a form that needs to be completed and submitted with corroborating evidence.

User: Yeah, that’s going to be a little difficult from where I’m sitting…

Agent: Oh, you’re sitting?

User: Oh yes – on a cloud. I had to set my harp down to message you.

Agent: Really?

User: Not really.

Agent: This form really shouldn’t have been accepted without that field correctly filled out. You say you were a teacher?

User: Yes, for forty years.

Agent: I had a Mr. Andrews in high school, so I appreciate that.

User: Where did you go to High School?

Agent: Mission Ridge over in Bellweather.

User: When did you graduate?

Agent: Class of 2002.

User: Marisol Rodriguez?

Agent: Now you’re messing with me.

User: I’m not. There aren’t any harps here, but my memory is crystal clear. You wrote your final term paper on the role of fate in Romeo and Juliet.

User: Marisol?

Agent: Mr. Andrews… I’m so sorry you’re dead.

User: Thank you, Marisol. I am too, for what it’s worth.

Agent: You were a great English teacher.

User: And you were an excellent student – I recall you got an A-

Agent: And I rightfully deserved a B+

User: Eh, teacher’s discretion – you were an excellent student.

Agent: I’ve changed the death certificate, Mr. Andrews. “Usual Occupation” now reads “Teacher.”

User: Thank you, Marisol. You have no idea how much that means to me.

Agent: I’m glad I could help you… find peace?

User: Oh my God, I see a bright light…

Agent: Really?

User: No, not really. But, thank you, Marisol.

Agent: Get some rest, Mr. Andrews.

User: I will, Marisol. I will.

When I go out of town for work I’m usually gone on Wednesdays. I mean, I’m gone other days during the week, too, but why does Wednesday matter? Because Wednesday around here is Trash Night and it’s my job to put the trashes out Wednesday night ahead of the early morning Thursday pickup – unless I’m not here. So, now I’ve been accused of deliberately planning my work trips to keep me away on Wednesdays. It’s all in good humor… or is it?

Have you heard of the broken windows theory? The basic idea is that visible signs of neglect – broken windows, abandoned buildings, trash, unrepaired damage – signal that nobody is maintaining or watching a place, which can encourage more disorder and crime.

I noticed the house across the street was very noticeably abandoned – the yard was completely overgrown, one of the shutters hung askew on one hinge, cobwebs covered parts of the front door. One day shortly after we moved into the neighborhood, I finished mowing our lawn and as I was having some water I looked across the street at the high weeds. I went into our garage and came out with the weed whacker, crossed the street and went to town.

That was just the start.

I brought the weeds down to a manageable height before I brought in the lawn mower. I completely filled the sun-bleached green compost bin that had been left in front of the side gate. Then fixed the shutter. The next weekend, I took my portable pressure washer to the front of the house before cleaning the outside of the windows.

While I was working, I’d thought about the broken windows theory, but that wasn’t the reason I spent hours on a house I have no attachment to. It was just because it looked like crap and I could make a difference. So, I did.

My neighbor, Tim, asked what I was doing and I told him exactly that – it looked awful, so I cleaned it up. I asked if he knew who the owner was, and he said an older couple lived there but passed away a year or so before my wife and I moved in. Allegedly there was some drawn out court fight between the children that’s been going back and forth and in the meantime the house sits empty and neglected. I say “allegedly” because Tim never spoke to any of these warring progeny – he’d heard it from a different neighbor who’d heard it from another neighbor whose wife worked with one of the adult children’s best friend or something like that.

Did it matter? Not at all.

The idea of the neighborhood gossip about the abandoned house made me chuckle as I dragged our garbage bin, and recycling bin to the curb. I filled the abandoned house’s green bin with weeds and lawn clippings, and as I set down our own green bin next to our other bins I was about to go put the abandoned house’s green bin on the curb, when I heard the gate across the street open. I looked up at the now-well-trimmed yard and noticed warm lights in the windows. From the side yard, I noticed the green bin being wheeled out by an older gentleman. He set the bin against the curb and looked over at me. Our eyes met and he waved hello before turning and heading wordlessly back to the side yard. I watched him close the side yard gate from inside wondering who this old guy was? And I had never seen anyone there – it was 10 o’clock at night, after all. There were no cars in the driveway… it bothered me, but I took one last look across the street at the warmly lit house and let it go as I turned and went back inside.

When I got home from work the next day, I brought our bins up to our side yard and noticed the abandoned house’s bin was still at the curb. Maybe the old guy only came by once a week? I crossed the street and dragged the bin up to the side yard where I reached out to open the gate and noticed it was locked with a rust-encrusted padlock that had clearly been there undisturbed for quite some time. I stared at the lock and finally decided I didn’t want to know. So, I left the bin in front of the locked gate and went home.

The next morning the bin was no longer in front of the gate.

I crossed and stood on my tip toes to peek over the still-locked gate and saw the green bin in the side yard, right next to the trash bin and recycling bin. I looked through the front window – I could look through it since I took several years of grime off the week before – and saw the inside still deserted, a layer of dust on the floor thick enough to resemble fresh snow after a storm.

The following weekend I went out to mow my yard and looked across at the abandoned house to see if it needed a trim. It did, but I also noticed the green bin out in front of the side yard gate, as if waiting for me to fill it. I laughed and dragged my mower across the street.

That Wednesday night as I put our bins out on the curb, the abandoned house shone and I heard the side gate open and the old man wheel the green bin out. He set the bin at the curb and again our eyes met and again he waved hello before turning and heading back through the side gate.

I smiled and said to myself, “So, this is how it’s going to be?”

Two weeks later I mowed the lawns again – the green bin was waiting for me in front of the gate again – before I packed and left the next morning for business. When I got back on Friday my wife said, “Did you know we have new neighbors across the street?”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yes – when I put the garbage bin out Wednesday night while you were away,” she gave me a playful side-eye, “I saw an older man putting their green bin out. He seemed nice – he waved to me and I waved back.”

I nodded with a smile. “Yeah, they keep to themselves pretty much.”

My family is doing a fantasy football league this year. For most of us – myself included – this is our first time actually playing fantasy football, which leads to some amusing exchanges. It’s also exposed me to the larger world of people who obsess over their teams, and leagues that have been running so long they pre-date some of their members’ children. It’s one of those long-running leagues that we drop in on for tonight’s story…

Tuesday, September 29, 9:45am

@Jenk: Well, guys, welcome to NFL week 4. Just a recap, Run CMC solidly defeated Victorious Secret –@MikeyP, if you told me you knew Gibbs would go off for 99 rushing + 65 receiving + 3 TDs when you drafted him, I’d call you a damn liar.

@MikeyP: When you’re good, you’re good… what can I say?

@RachAttack: You mean when you’re lucky, you’re lucky – if it weren’t for Gibbs, I would have beaten you and remained undefeated.

@MikeyP: Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve…

@Jenk: yes, yes… Moving on, Kelce Grammer defeated Sunday Scaries – @NateDog remains winless, congratulations.

@NateDog: Yes, but in my defense, I’m third in points!

@Jenk: The Bench Warmers defeated the Waiver Wiretap. Golf clap for @EmCee starting Tyler Shough for the right game.

@EmCee: Thank you, thank you – I’ll try not to let the brilliant decision go to my head…

@T-Bone: You’re 1-2. I don’t think you have to worry about it, @EmCee.

@Jenk: And last but not least, my own Fourth & Regret was defeated by Dead Last.

@MikeyP: You got beat by a dead guy. Lol

@BigKev: Whoa, Mikey, too soon, bro…

@RachAttack: Seriously, dude. Have a little respect.

@MikeyP: So, what we aren’t going to mention it anymore? He was my friend, too, you know. He’d have wanted us to talk shit about him.

@T-Bone: @MikeyP, I don’t disagree with you, but I think @BigKev has a point – it’s literally too soon. We just went to @DaveD’s memorial service on Saturday.

@MikeyP: So it’s cool we keep his really unfortunate team name? Dead Last? Really? That’s not disrespectful?

@Jenk: Yes. we’re keeping the name @DaveD has had for years. And we’re keeping him in the league for at least the rest of the year. We were all in agreement when we talked at the service. This isn’t up for discussion. Let’s move on to business for the upcoming week 4…

Tuesday, October 6, 9:48am

@Jenk: Alright, gang, week 5 is open for business! Closing out week 4, I’m going to start with my Fourth & Regret punishing @NateDog’s Sunday Scaries. I’d like to take credit for Puka Nacua’s 27.7 carrying me… but let’s face it, I just sat there and watched him do it.

@NateDog: Yeah you did!

@Jenk: In other surprising news, Dead Last upset Victorious Secret!

@RachAttack: I hate to lose, but well played, @DaveD – RIP. Also, whoever started CeeDee Lamb on @DaveD’s behalf: I hate you.

@T-Bone: I noticed that sub on Saturday…

@MikeyP: Oh, you noticed that but not that your starting QB, Jayden Daniels, was questionable? Thanks for missing that and giving my Run CMC the W for the week!

@NateDog: I mean, Dead Last vs. Victorious Secret was already the closest projected matchup going into the week. But, yeah, whoever subbed in Lamb for @DaveD… inspired!

@Jenk: Kelce Grammer dropped an upset against the Bench Warmers…

Tuesday, October 13, 9:38am

@Jenk: We’ve made it to Week 6, party people! Before we discuss the upcoming week, let’s talk about the crazy week that just transpired!

@NateDog: I finally had a fucking win and a dead guy starts Isaiah Likely against me?

@RachAttack: Is it too much to ask for just a little respect for @DaveD?

@NateDog: Easy to say for someone sitting at 4-2!

@Jenk: @NateDog, take it down a notch.

@NateDog: No, I genuinely want to know who is masterminding @DaveD’s Dead Last? Seriously, who?

@MikeyP: I barely look at my own team – don’t look at me.

@BigKev: And yet your RUN CMC somehow beat my Kelce Grammer? Regarding Dead Last, in the words of the prophet Shaggy, “It wasn’t me.”

@EmCee: Didn’t we literally agree at the memorial that we’d keep his team going? Somebody’s doing it. Who cares who?

@T-Bone: I don’t care who, I want to know why – Likely hadn’t done shit all season and suddenly somebody starts him the week he drops 32?

@Jenk: Whoever it is can explain their genius later. Moving on before @NateDog has an aneurysm. Week 6: Bengals, Lions, Dolphins and Vikings are all on bye. Check your lineups.

@MikeyP: Wait, Detroit is on bye?

@RachAttack: Oh my god.

@BigKev: And this is the man currently at 4-2.

@MikeyP: FUCK. Gibbs.

@T-Bone: Maybe whoever’s running Dead Last can set your lineup too.

@MikeyP: [Middle finger emoji]

@Jenk: Waivers run tomorrow morning. Try to manage your own damn teams this week, please.

Sunday, October 18, 12:47pm

@T-Bone: Okay. Not joking anymore. Who is managing Dave’s team?

@T-Bone: Seriously.

@Jenk: What happened?

@T-Bone: I checked our matchup this morning. Dave still had Judkins starting.

@T-Bone: Browns declared him inactive. I just checked again and he’s on the bench.

@T-Bone: Najee Harris is starting now.

@T-Bone: That happened in the last ten minutes.

@EmCee: So whoever’s been managing it changed his lineup. We already knew somebody was doing that.

@T-Bone: That’s why I’m asking.

@T-Bone: WHO?

@Jenk: Wait.

@Jenk: I’ve been assuming it was one of you too.

@RachAttack: You haven’t been using your commissioner mojo?

@Jenk: No, that’s what I’m saying. It’s not me.

@T-Bone: @EmCee?

@EmCee: I didn’t kill my wife.

@BigKev: I don’t care.

@EmCee: Thank you, Deputy Gerard.

@BigKev: The Fugitive never gets old… Oh, and it’s not me, either.

@T-Bone: @MikeyP?

@Jenk: He and Janet are in Palm Springs – he said the one rule was he wasn’t allowed to even look at how his Run CMC was doing this weekend.

@BigKev: That’s cruel and unusual punishment…

@T-Bone: @NateDog???

@NateDog: Bro, do you not remember me going off last week? You’re seriously thinking I’m working his team AND complaining about it? That’s some psyops ish right there…

@Jenk: So, we’ve established it’s none of us. What the hell is going on?

@DaveD: It’s me, guys.

@Jenk: Cheryl? Are you maintaining Dave’s team?

@DaveD: No, it’s not my wife. It’s me, Dave.

@NateDog: You’ll forgive me for stating the obvious, but… you’re dead, Dave.

@DaveD: Yeah. That part sucks.

@BigKev: What the actual fuck.

@RachAttack: Dave?

@DaveD: Hey, Rach.

@Jenk: How are you doing this?

@DaveD: No fucking idea.

@T-Bone: Wait. So Lamb? Likely? You knew they were going to go off?

@DaveD: LOL. No.

@DaveD: I started Lamb because he’s CeeDee fucking Lamb.

@DaveD: Likely was a hunch.

@NateDog: A 32-point hunch. Fuck you, Dave.

@DaveD: Missed you too, Nate.

@T-Bone: And you seriously benched Judkins for Najee today without knowing what’s going to happen?

@DaveD: Judkins is inactive. I’m dead, not stupid.

@BigKev: Holy shit.

@Jenk: So you’re just… still playing?

@DaveD: What else am I supposed to do?

@Jenk: You think Dead Last can actually win this thing?

@DaveD: …Any given Sunday.