Selfie week 24 – Hammocks, Hair, Horses, and Saint Anthony

It’s been a roller coaster week. On one hand, the Warriors swept the Cavs in an a brutally efficient manner (especially game 4!). The good news is that means I can shave my Playoff Hair (but I’m keeping the beard long – I’ve kinda grown fond of the length). On the flip side, that means no more basketball until October… but the Giants are picking things up on the baseball side, so, you know, there’s that. Still on the subject of sports, I found surprisingly scant coverage of Justify winning the Preakness and, with it, taking the Triple Crown — joining American Pharoah as only the second horse to achieve that feat since Affirmed in 1978. Before American Pharoah in 2015, many people believed modern race horses were too specialized to take the three disparate races. And now two in three years.
The high of the Warriors sweeping came the same day as the tragic news of Anthony Bourdain’s suicide, itself just days after news of Kate Spade taking her own life left me shaken. There have been some amazing tributes over the weekend, and that in of itself is heartening. It doesn’t bring anyone back, but to see how deeply so many people were affected by their lives helps ease their passing a bit.
Bourdain’s loss really hurt. I had to drop off some paperwork at a restaurant in town. I had a beer while I waited and the bartender pointed to a reserved sign in front of a seat at the bar meticulously set with silverware, plates, folded napkin and a perfectly garnished Manhattan. “That,” she said with a mix of anguish and mourning, “That’s for Tony.” I for one move to have him referred heretofore as Saint Anthony, patron saint of restaurant and bar workers, as well as the culturally and gastronomically curious. I know a lot of religious folks would rush to decry his suicide as immediate theological disqualification, and to them I say fuck off: he was gruff, profane, fallible, but he had a big heart, was quick to the defense of those picked on, and genuinely honest – that’s my kind of saint. Yes, he succumbed to depression, and if you somehow think that’s a weakness, then, brother, you’ve never been there yourself – or, in my case, sat with someone in the emergency room as they’re forced to drink charcoal to counteract an overdose. Until you stare into that abyss yourself, or hold the hand of someone on that edge, you reserve your judgement. I’m all about respecting both sides of an argument, but not here, not with this. You either show compassion and help, or you shut the hell up.
A couple months ago Fern and I took a weekday off and went to San Francisco to hike around the Presidio and visit the library downtown. On the way in Fern noticed a commotion on the northbound side of the Golden Gate. “Must be an accident,” she said. I stole a glance from the road and knew immediately that wasn’t the case. “Someone jumped,” I said, and my brain flew back to the day I nearly lost someone I loved to the bridge… The day in the Presidio was gorgeous and I swear I almost found the manzanita I was looking for. Later, we were walking downtown towards the library and the sun bore down making it a stunning early spring day in San Francisco in the low 70s. And suddenly I got really sad again. Whoever it was that morning on the bridge, stared out over a beautiful morning and leapt. He or she didn’t get a chance to experience that epic day in San Francisco, nor will they ever. And yet, that leap was preferable to the utter torment going on in their own mind…
Many of the tributes this weekend have shared the number for the suicide hotline (and I will too: 1-800-273-8255), but that’s not enough. If you know someone who has depression, reach out. Don’t wait. Do it now. Tell them you’re thinking of them. Send them a hug. Or, hell, go on over and give them a hug. Be there for them. Let them know you care for them and that you want them to be around for another perfect day in San Francisco.
Or, for a lovely summer day in a hammock under the redwood trees wondering whether Durant should have gotten the finals MVP or we’ll have to wait another generation for a triple crown horse.
Love each other, please, for Saint Anthony.

Five Things This Week: week 21

Medium
I have issues with this article, but I think it’s a valuable read, as it makes some good points and cites relevant source material. The tone and take-away messages are, to me, annoying – but I don’t think I’m coming at this as the target audience (the author strikes me as the type of person who owns multiple suits and matching shoes, and wields the word “cashmere” with wanton abandon). In fitting Gibson’s narrative to his Message, he left out a few important reasons for Gibson’s decline, such as Gibson’s entanglement with the US Fish and Wildlife Service over their importing of hardwoods. While that case settled for a relatively small penalty, the confiscation of materials, the investigation itself, and the onerous changes Gibson had to make in order to get right by the government took a significant toll on the company that was already staggering from the financial miscues described in the article above. In general, though, I do agree with his comparison between Fender’s interpretation of innovation versus Gibson’s.
Citylab
The Tokyo subway was in the news last week because a conductor was chastised and had to make a public apology for leaving the station 25 seconds early. This article discusses that, plus discusses implementation of “nudge theory” and mood lighting to reduce suicide attempts. Fascinating stuff!
Campendium
I’ve got a bad case of wanderlust lately and I’m trying to see how cheap I can plan a motorcycle road trip. This involves determining where the cheapest campgrounds are and what exactly the state they’re in. Campendium has a great collection of user-reviews of various spots both on and off the beaten path. Their newsletter is great, too, as it profiles recent reviews from all over the country and provides a little glimpse of places to put on my “to visit” list.
Saw the new Star Wars movie on Thursday. Loved it! The link above goes to the trailer if you haven’t seen it already. Unlike every other movie in the Star Wars universe, the stakes are much lower here  – there’s no Death Star or Death Star-like base to be destroyed, no Skywalker heir in site  – so it really just feels like an adventure story. And after some of the more explosive blockbusters this year (I’m looking at you, Avengers: Infinity War!) it’s nice just to have a good popcorn movie. And the connection to the Star Wars universe? All the better!
Mojang (part of Microsoft Studios)
Minecraft is nothing new. I bought a copy when it was still a tiny little thing back in 2010 and I’ve noodled with it ever since. And what a phenomenon it has become! They’re seriously making a Minecraft movie, there are “realms” and skins you can buy… I don’t understand half of it. Hell, I don’t even understand the whole potion thing. I’ve barely tamed a horse! A year back or so I bought Minecraft for the Xbox One because my PC’s video card had fried itself. The controls aren’t nearly as intuitive as on the PC (WASD + mouse 4EVAH!!) but chilling on the couch playing on a bigger screen… it’s pretty awesome. These days I crank up Minecraft on the Xbox when I want to zone out because I can spend hours doing nothing but exploring or building a step-mine to bedrock, or building a shelter out of glass…. or doing whatever! The possibilities are endless and because of the insane popularity they’re constantly adding new things – the other day I was in a boat and there were DOLPHINS! It’s become a sort of meditation for me these days. Need to reset? Clear the evening, it’s a Minecraft night. And it works. Give it a try – it’s not just for kids.

Week 21: Banshee side stories

I’ve mentioned the Banshee story that I’ve completed an alpha draft of, but I haven’t actually put anything up here. Shortly after Fern and I first got together, I tried to explain the synopsis of the story to her and then I figured in the spirit of “Show don’t tell” I wrote these two stories of the same incident just to explore the dynamics between Linda and Taylor years before the events of my main story take place.

 

It’s funny, sometimes you can look back and say definitively, “That’s when that happened.” Not often, mind you, but sometimes. Often times it’s something loud and spectacular like a car accident or, well, a burly wizard assassin gets thrown through a window – usually it’s something notable that makes those major life-changing moments notable. But… sometimes it’s subtler, like the change of the seasons in California…
So, it was that I can point to the moment I decided to commit to Linda. We’d been seeing each other for a few months and it’s safe to say we’d both fallen for each other. I’d first seen Linda at the coffee shop I went to – it’s just down the street from the fire station and I fell for her instantly. Long black hair, those piercing blue eyes, and that smile… But I wasn’t going to be one of Those Guys who hits on the barista, so I’d crack a joke and smile a little bit bigger when ordering and leave a big tip, but that was it. Until she was gone one day! I asked about her – in a casual manner, you know – and found out she’d taken an office job. I realized I fucked up and that my chance to get to know this woman had passed.
But by chance, I went in and she was there on her lunch visiting her old coworkers. I wasn’t going to let this chance go by, so I said hi and she remembered me. And I screwed up all my courage and I asked her out. She said yes. We immediately hit it off and, like I said, we’d been seeing each other for a few months. I had tickets to a concert at the Warfield and the show was great – the Clap Your Hands Say Yeah back when practically no one had heard of them. The show was fantastic and afterwards we just sort of meandered around, not really wanting to say goodnight. She’d stayed the night at my place, but we both had to work in the morning, so spending the night wasn’t in the cards, but still we didn’t want to part.
I know that at night especially that can be a pretty shitty part of town, but I grew up in San Francisco, and I was a firefighter – I’ve never encountered anything more than an overly aggressive panhandler or a super-drunk tech worker. Until that night. We cut through an alley to get to this great late-night falafel place that’s no longer there and this homeless guy asks for some change. We ignore him and keep going but stop when he pulls out a gun. “Give me your money,” he demanded. The guy was a head shorter than me, a bit squat in the limited light, his hair greasy. He held his .38 in a shaking hand as he demanded our money again.
My first thought was to try to keep Linda safe. Let’s just get out of this alive. And the shaking hand made me think we had a good chance – a pro would have a steady hand, right? “Whoa, buddy,” I started with my palms open to him, “Let’s talk about this, okay?”
“There’s nothing to talk about! Give your fucking money or I’m going to fucking kill you and take it!” he was talking fast. I was starting to think I mistook his palsy for withdrawl shakes. Shit, we needed to get out of this and now. And then things got worse.
“I’d do what he says,” came a voice out of the shadows. A tall, wiry guy stepped into the weak light of the alley. He didn’t look built, but you could tell by the way he walked – and the way he held his knife – that he knew how to cause pain and he enjoyed it. At that moment you could see his smile growing from our fear. “I’d do what he says. He’s fucking crazy.” His voice was calm and ice-cool. The knife in his hand didn’t shake at all. And where the guy with the gun was dressed in a threadbare hoodie and filthy jeans, the knifeman had a fitted windbreaker on over a t-shirt and slacks. He could have stepped out of an upscale bar – albeit without the knife in his hand, though the incongruity of his appearance and the knife made him seem more dangerous.
It seemed like even the gunman felt this aura and threw a glance over his shoulder nervously and said, “shut up, man!” Then, back to us, “Come on! I will kill you! Give me your money! Now! Now!” I spared a glance behind me and the alley was clear the way we came. If I gave this guy my wallet it might be enough distraction for us to get back out the way we came – the gunman stood between us and the tall man with the knife, and even though a gun should be more terrifying than a knife, it was the tall man I was really afraid of.
“Okay, okay, I’m reaching for my wallet now,” and I slowly started reaching for my back pocket when something completely unexpected happened. This entire time I’d positioned myself in front of Linda. It’s not that I felt any particular sort of chauvinism, but walking down the street I’d always make sure the woman I was with walked on the inside, I’d open doors, it’s just a sort-of ingrained chivalry. So when a guy starts pointing a gun at us, you bet I’m going to step in front of this woman who I’ve fallen for and protect her at all costs. And, to be fair, most of the women I’d been with over the years were perfectly fine letting the big fireman stand up for them – hell, I figured half of them were only dating me because of the machismo fireman stereotype.
So when I heard her say, “No. That’s not how this is going to play out,” from next to me, I was stunned. She took a step forward so now she was closer to the gunman than I was. His eyes were wide – probably as wide as mine were at this turn of events – and he looked like he didn’t even know what to say.
“No?” the man with the knife said coolly, his smile getting impossibly wider.
“No,” she said with an implacable calm that seemed completely alien from the woman I thought I knew.
“I’m going to shoot you, bitch! I’m going to kill you both,” the man with the gun said almost hysterically.
“With what?” she said in that same even voice. I looked at the gunman and the gun was gone. Gone. He held his hand still like he was holding the weapon, but it just wasn’t there. A split second later he realized it and closed his hand over empty space with a little shriek. “I recommend you both turn around and walk out of here right now,” she said. Her calm voice made me want to turn and run, and the empty-handed gunman did just that, turning and bolting away from us.
Without taking his steady eyes off Linda, the tall man caught the man by hood of his jacket and arrested his flight. “Or what?” he asked.
“Or neither of you will be able to walk out of here at all.”
“Oh honey,” he said in a tone that chilled my blood, “I’ve got a knife. What do you have? I don’t know what you think you can do, but I’m going to cut up you and your boyfriend.” And I knew he would do it. Not I knew he could do it, but the way he stepped towards her, the way his grin split into a tooth-showing smile, the even way he said those words that he would do it and enjoy it.
“Look, here’s my wallet,” I took out my wallet with my left hand in a last ditch effort to distract this crazy man. I dropped my right hand to the folding knife I carry clipped inside my pocket. I’d never used it to do anything more than open a letter or cut an apple, but I knew some self-defense and if the was going to be a knife fight, damnit, at least I had a knife. “Take my money,” I said as my fingers started to draw the folder out of my pocket.
“No,” the man drew out the word as he never took his eyes off of Linda. “The time for that has passed. I’m going to enjoy this. And I’m going to start with you,” he said to Linda. He was the predator and she was his prey and there would be no distraction – which I thought might be something in my favor. If he moved for her and I could get my knife open fast enough without him noticing, maybe we might still get out of this…
Then time slowed down. The man stepped in and slashed at Linda. My heart sank, and before I could even move she dodged it fluidly. He slashed again and again and she dodged and pivoted and bobbed like she already knew the steps to this dance. But his attack was relentless and a blur and after a number of attacks, he caught her shoulder – it didn’t look deep, but it was enough to cut her and disrupt the attack-and-dodge dance.
“Did I cut you?” he said in a patronizing voice. “I’m going to cut you a lot more,” he said and stepped in to slash again. But Linda – or the woman Linda had become – clearly was expecting it, and parried the strike, swept his legs out from under him with a smooth kick, and followed through by slamming his head into the pavement. From the crack of the impact of his skull and the alley, I knew he would either be facing severe brain injury or – more likely – he would be dead in moments.
Before I had time to finish processing the man’s injury, a wild, ragged roar cut the silence – the former gunman raced out of the darkness wielding some kind of metal bar. I didn’t even have time to register the threat before Linda intercepted him, let him swing and miss, kneed him and then delivered a wicked kick to the head that spun him around before he collapsed to the ground. Linda crouched looking for any other threats, completely oblivious to me.
I gingerly reached out a hand and touched her shoulder. She flinched. “Linda?” I asked. She turned to me and the cold fighter I just witnessed melted as she stammered, “What have I done?”
I tried to think of something comforting to say, while the paramedic in me wanted to immediately treat the two men down. Before I could do either, she said, “We have to go…now.”
And we did. Against my training, my better judgment, I fled the scene with her. We hurried all the way to the BART station where I put my coat around her shoulders to hide her wound. We didn’t say anything as the train roared through the tunnel until it slowed for the 24th street station.
“My stop.”
“It is.”
She stepped out of the car and turned around. “Taylor…” she started but couldn’t form words. Finally she just said, “Call me…please?”
“I will,” I said.
That moment I was referring to at the beginning? When you know things have changed? It wasn’t the attack. It wasn’t leaving the scene of the incident (I found out from the responding paramedics later that the tall man was killed. The gunman suffered a severe concussion and was released a few days later). No, the moment was when I picked up the phone and called Linda. When I said to her that I would, I’d already made up my mind.
I became a firefighter because of all the altruistic reasons we tell ourselves we do, but there was also an element of being trained to do a job and bringing those skills to bear on an unknown situation. Falling for the blue-eyed barista was something known; the woman in the alley was something wholly unknown… but they were the same person. And although we made a pact not to talk about each other’s past, somehow I knew that I’d get to know the whole person eventually. And finding out how that fighter could be my sweet, beautiful Linda gave me impetus to pick up the phone and dial her number.

 

Linda

Taylor and I hadn’t been going out very long – I think it was our fifth or sixth date. It was early enough that I was still mentally calculating the number of dates. And, too, it was early enough that I was still terrified.

I was mostly over living on my own in San Francisco. Hell, after dying the “big city” didn’t really hold too many terrors in and of itself. But the fear of being found out – of running into someone I knew from the coven… that literally kept me up at night. And for the early part of our relationship, I was terrified Taylor would learn about my magic and my past and… well, run the other direction. Fast. And who could blame him? By all rights I was a murdering witch. I was scared of me, or what I was…

We had just gone to see a show at the Warfield. A stalwart venue, one of the bigger in the City, but located precipitously between a bad neighborhood and an awful neighborhood and at night – when shows inevitably let out – the distinction between the neighborhoods evaporates and you walk to your car or to BART with swift determination. Don’t make eye contact, don’t slow down.

But we didn’t. I don’t know if it was the show – the Clap Your Hands Say Yeah before they blew up – or the still butterfly-inducing energy of our young relationship, but we managed to do just about everything wrong. We meandered. We looked for someplace to get a bite to eat in the area that was still open. Okay, we didn’t make eye contact, but we were in our own little young-love cocoon and it wasn’t so much that we deliberately didn’t make eye contact so much as for us no one else existed.

I blame the no-one-else-existed feeling for why we decided to take a shortcut down the proverbial dark alley late at night in a bad neighborhood.

“Spare some change?” the wiry man asked.

We ignored him and kept walking – Big City protocol: don’t engage (at least we still abided that).

As we started past him his hand flashed producing a gun. It was a snub-nosed revolver – probably one of those “38 Specials” you hear about that I don’t even know what it means. But he held it there, squat in his hand, malevolent in its potential terror. The cocoon of the night vanished. “Give me your money, your watches, your jewelry…. Give it to me!” he demanded.

My first emotion was fear. But that rapidly gave way to something deeper, something I had thought I’d left in South America and my old life. Suddenly, the fear I felt about this man with the gun was replaced by the fear of myself.

Taylor tried to take control of the situation. He moved slightly to stand in front of me. Hands open and out, he started, “whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, buddy, okay. Let’s talk about this…”

“I don’t want to talk about shit,” the man spit, “Give me your fucking money or I’m going to fucking kill you!”

“You’d better do it now,” a new voice chimed in. I turned slightly to see a different man – leaner, taller – come out of the shadows holding an open switchblade and moved to stand behind the gunman.  “This guy is fucking nuts. He’ll kill you without a second thought,” he said in a more measured, even tone that really did make the gunman’s staccato demands sound a bit unhinged.

My terror surged not because of the escalation of the situation, but because my deep instincts took in the new threat and ratcheted up into hyperdrive. I tried to suppress it, but I felt my new self losing out quickly.

“Shut up, man. Shut up!” the gunman said over his shoulder without taking his eyes off Taylor and me. “Your money! Now!”

“I suggest you do as he says,” the tall man added.

“Okay, okay. No problem,” Taylor said. “I’m just going to get my wallet out…”

And then I snapped. I took a step to the side, getting myself clear of Taylor. “No. That’s not how this is going to play out,” I said. The gunman’s eyes widened in surprise, but the tall man broke out into a wicked grin – which I found both terrifying and exhilarating at once.

“No?” the tall man asked.

“No,” I replied.

“Give me your fucking money! I will fucking kill you!” the gunman repeated, his agitated voice having gone up a register that would have been comical had his hand that held the snub-nosed gun not been shaking nervously.

“No, you’re not going to kill anyone. What are you going to kill us with?” I asked. There was no noise, no flash; one moment the gunman held the gun, his finger dangerously on the trigger and the next he held nothing. The action surprised me with the ease that it happened, but thinking back it probably shouldn’t have. I’d worked so hard to repress any of my magic that I practically brimmed with the stuff. When I reached out with my senses towards the gun I felt the rush of magic like carbonated water desperately seeking to fizz out. The spell was one that I’d learned in South America and functioned more like telepathy than spell-based magic I was used to, but it also took a tremendous amount of energy to affect – energy that, apparently, I had in abundance and desperately needed to use. Technically the gun didn’t disappear completely – that would be impossible. Instead it disappeared from the gunman’s hand and reappeared behind me somewhere (I wasn’t terribly particular about that part).

The now-gunless gunman let out a little shriek as his now-empty hand closed on itself.

“I recommend you both turn around and walk away right now.” My voice came out slow, quiet, and dangerous in a way I barely recognized.

The empty-handed man didn’t need any more encouragement and started to whip around to flee, but the tall man caught his dirty jacket in his free hand and kept him from darting away. Holding the switchblade up to the light he took a step towards me casually as he asked, “Or…  what?”

“Or,” I started, noticing Taylor’s wide eyed stare in the corner of my eye, “Or neither of you will be able to walk out of here at all.”

“Oh, honey,” the man said in a sickly sweet tone, his smile showing teeth, “I’ve got a knife and you? I don’t know if you think you know how to fight, but,” he looked me up and down, assessing me, “You don’t know a thing. You and your boyfriend are going to get cut up.”

“Look,” Taylor stammered           , “Here…” he took his wallet out of his pocket. “Here’s my money. Just take it!”

The tall man didn’t take his eyes off me as he drew out the word, “No”. “The time for that has passed. I’m going to enjoy this,” he said cruelly. “And I’m going to start with you,” he said directly to me, taking another step closer.

I didn’t move, but my mind took in everything, my body statue-still, but muscles tightened like coiled springs ready to move, my magic coursing through me preparing to quicken my reflexes. I knew subconsciously his arm length, and that with that last step he was well within slashing distance and that would be his first move. So when his arm whipped out, knife slashing wickedly towards me in a blur, I had already moved laterally to avoid the slash. He adjusted more quickly that I would have expected and slashed at me again, but I ducked back easily avoiding his knife. With both movements my instincts immediately sought to follow up with moves to strike the attacker, but I fought those instincts – I wasn’t a killer. Not anymore. No, I would find a way to disarm this man without hurting him. I just had to get the right chance.

But the man had experience knife fighting, and he continued his assault relentlessly. I ducked and side-stepped and dodged, and continually fought myself as I looked for a way to end this without ending him. Maybe it was this internal conflict that made one dodge just a bit too short. The knife, initially aimed at my chest, instead caught the edge of my arm, slicing through shirt and skin. I knew it wasn’t more than a surface cut, but it hurt and that pain scythed through my rational, non-violent arguments like they were made of velum.

The man paused his assault for a moment as I looked at my bleeding arm, rage building in me in slow, rolling boil.

“Oh, looks like I cut you,” he said in mock concern before sneering, “and now I’m going to cut you a lot more.”  He slashed out with the knife again, but this time I didn’t move.  The man’s knife arm blurred towards me and I sent a surge of magic out, catching the blade in mid-strike. The unexpected impact sent the knife tumbling from the man’s hand, which continued in its slashing trajectory harmlessly. I swept my leg towards his, knocking his legs out from under him. As he fell, I sprung out of the leg-sweep and caught his falling head in my left hand, hastening its descent towards the concrete. His head struck the ground with a sickening crack of impact. He didn’t move.

The gun-less gunman – who had dropped from my threat assessment when I disarmed him – suddenly rushed me with a warbling battle cry, a broken piece of rebar held above his head like a club. Unlike his friend, his movement was born out of panic and demonstrated no skill in the motion – he was scared and angry. The rational part of my mind tried to argue that for that reason I shouldn’t strike, but my body already moved to intercept. The man swung the rebar clumsily and I moved letting it swing past me, striking the pavement as I stepped in and delivered a knee to the man’s groin. He dropped the makeshift club with a yelp of pain, but I wasn’t done. He doubled over and still my rage made me step back and deliver a roundhouse kick to the side of his head. The power of the impact spun him around once before he fell limply to the ground.

I dropped into a fighting crouch on the balls of my feet, arms up ready to strike, breathing steady as I scanned the scene. Two down. Neither moving. I should finish them, came a dark thought from the rage and instinct.

“Linda?” Taylor’s voice split the fog of my rage. “Linda?” he asked again, hesitantly, nervously. His words snapped my rational brain back into control and I stared around me not tactically, but like any normal person would – blood ran down my arm, the tall man’s head lay in a spreading pool of his own blood, and the would-be gunman lay sprawled out, also unmoving.

“What have I done?” was all I managed to say. Taylor moved to me, putting his hand on my uninjured arm. I flinched unconsciously at his touch, but he didn’t pull away. “We… we have to go. We have to get out of here,” I said too quickly. He just nodded and we walked quickly away from the two fallen men.

We emerged from the alley and he took off his jacket and draped it around my shoulders – less because of the chill, and more to hide my bloodied arm. We hurried to the BART station and down the dingy steps without speaking. We rode in silence until the mechanical voice accompanied the slowing of the train and announced “24th. Street. Station.”

“My stop,” I said. He nodded. I looked into his blue eyes for the first time since the incident. He looked uncertain. “Call me?” I asked meekly. “Please?”

He nodded. “I will,” was all he said. “I will.”

The doors swished open and I stepped out onto the platform and turned around and just stared at Taylor as the doors closed and the train sped off into the tube and I watched it go.

And he did call several days later. We both talked around the incident and eventually we talked about future plans and the encounter in the alley became part of That Which We Didn’t Speak Of. In hindsight I know that wasn’t the smart thing to do, but I had trouble explaining the conflict I had in myself so I wasn’t ready to put it into words for someone else. The time to explain it would come, but not for a number of years.