My family is doing a fantasy football league this year. For most of us – myself included – this is our first time actually playing fantasy football, which leads to some amusing exchanges. It’s also exposed me to the larger world of people who obsess over their teams, and leagues that have been running so long they pre-date some of their members’ children. It’s one of those long-running leagues that we drop in on for tonight’s story…
Tuesday, September 29, 9:45am
@Jenk: Well, guys, welcome to NFL week 4. Just a recap, Run CMC solidly defeated Victorious Secret –@MikeyP, if you told me you knew Gibbs would go off for 99 rushing + 65 receiving + 3 TDs when you drafted him, I’d call you a damn liar.
@MikeyP: When you’re good, you’re good… what can I say?
@RachAttack: You mean when you’re lucky, you’re lucky – if it weren’t for Gibbs, I would have beaten you and remained undefeated.
@MikeyP: Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve…
@Jenk: yes, yes… Moving on, Kelce Grammer defeated Sunday Scaries – @NateDog remains winless, congratulations.
@NateDog: Yes, but in my defense, I’m third in points!
@Jenk: The Bench Warmers defeated the Waiver Wiretap. Golf clap for @EmCee starting Tyler Shough for the right game.
@EmCee: Thank you, thank you – I’ll try not to let the brilliant decision go to my head…
@T-Bone: You’re 1-2. I don’t think you have to worry about it, @EmCee.
@Jenk: And last but not least, my own Fourth & Regret was defeated by Dead Last.
@MikeyP: You got beat by a dead guy. Lol
@BigKev: Whoa, Mikey, too soon, bro…
@RachAttack: Seriously, dude. Have a little respect.
@MikeyP: So, what we aren’t going to mention it anymore? He was my friend, too, you know. He’d have wanted us to talk shit about him.
@T-Bone: @MikeyP, I don’t disagree with you, but I think @BigKev has a point – it’s literally too soon. We just went to @DaveD’s memorial service on Saturday.
@MikeyP: So it’s cool we keep his really unfortunate team name? Dead Last? Really? That’s not disrespectful?
@Jenk: Yes. we’re keeping the name @DaveD has had for years. And we’re keeping him in the league for at least the rest of the year. We were all in agreement when we talked at the service. This isn’t up for discussion. Let’s move on to business for the upcoming week 4…
Tuesday, October 6, 9:48am
@Jenk: Alright, gang, week 5 is open for business! Closing out week 4, I’m going to start with my Fourth & Regret punishing @NateDog’s Sunday Scaries. I’d like to take credit for Puka Nacua’s 27.7 carrying me… but let’s face it, I just sat there and watched him do it.
@NateDog: Yeah you did!
@Jenk: In other surprising news, Dead Last upset Victorious Secret!
@RachAttack: I hate to lose, but well played, @DaveD – RIP. Also, whoever started CeeDee Lamb on @DaveD’s behalf: I hate you.
@T-Bone: I noticed that sub on Saturday…
@MikeyP: Oh, you noticed that but not that your starting QB, Jayden Daniels, was questionable? Thanks for missing that and giving my Run CMC the W for the week!
@NateDog: I mean, Dead Last vs. Victorious Secret was already the closest projected matchup going into the week. But, yeah, whoever subbed in Lamb for @DaveD… inspired!
@Jenk: Kelce Grammer dropped an upset against the Bench Warmers…
Tuesday, October 13, 9:38am
@Jenk: We’ve made it to Week 6, party people! Before we discuss the upcoming week, let’s talk about the crazy week that just transpired!
@NateDog: I finally had a fucking win and a dead guy starts Isaiah Likely against me?
@RachAttack: Is it too much to ask for just a little respect for @DaveD?
@NateDog: Easy to say for someone sitting at 4-2!
@Jenk: @NateDog, take it down a notch.
@NateDog: No, I genuinely want to know who is masterminding @DaveD’s Dead Last? Seriously, who?
@MikeyP: I barely look at my own team – don’t look at me.
@BigKev: And yet your RUN CMC somehow beat my Kelce Grammer? Regarding Dead Last, in the words of the prophet Shaggy, “It wasn’t me.”
@EmCee: Didn’t we literally agree at the memorial that we’d keep his team going? Somebody’s doing it. Who cares who?
@T-Bone: I don’t care who, I want to know why – Likely hadn’t done shit all season and suddenly somebody starts him the week he drops 32?
@Jenk: Whoever it is can explain their genius later. Moving on before @NateDog has an aneurysm. Week 6: Bengals, Lions, Dolphins and Vikings are all on bye. Check your lineups.
@MikeyP: Wait, Detroit is on bye?
@RachAttack: Oh my god.
@BigKev: And this is the man currently at 4-2.
@MikeyP: FUCK. Gibbs.
@T-Bone: Maybe whoever’s running Dead Last can set your lineup too.
@MikeyP: [Middle finger emoji]
@Jenk: Waivers run tomorrow morning. Try to manage your own damn teams this week, please.
Sunday, October 18, 12:47pm
@T-Bone: Okay. Not joking anymore. Who is managing Dave’s team?
@T-Bone: Seriously.
@Jenk: What happened?
@T-Bone: I checked our matchup this morning. Dave still had Judkins starting.
@T-Bone: Browns declared him inactive. I just checked again and he’s on the bench.
@T-Bone: Najee Harris is starting now.
@T-Bone: That happened in the last ten minutes.
@EmCee: So whoever’s been managing it changed his lineup. We already knew somebody was doing that.
@T-Bone: That’s why I’m asking.
@T-Bone: WHO?
@Jenk: Wait.
@Jenk: I’ve been assuming it was one of you too.
@RachAttack: You haven’t been using your commissioner mojo?
@Jenk: No, that’s what I’m saying. It’s not me.
@T-Bone: @EmCee?
@EmCee: I didn’t kill my wife.
@BigKev: I don’t care.
@EmCee: Thank you, Deputy Gerard.
@BigKev: The Fugitive never gets old… Oh, and it’s not me, either.
@T-Bone: @MikeyP?
@Jenk: He and Janet are in Palm Springs – he said the one rule was he wasn’t allowed to even look at how his Run CMC was doing this weekend.
@BigKev: That’s cruel and unusual punishment…
@T-Bone: @NateDog???
@NateDog: Bro, do you not remember me going off last week? You’re seriously thinking I’m working his team AND complaining about it? That’s some psyops ish right there…
@Jenk: So, we’ve established it’s none of us. What the hell is going on?
@DaveD: It’s me, guys.
@Jenk: Cheryl? Are you maintaining Dave’s team?
@DaveD: No, it’s not my wife. It’s me, Dave.
@NateDog: You’ll forgive me for stating the obvious, but… you’re dead, Dave.
@DaveD: Yeah. That part sucks.
@BigKev: What the actual fuck.
@RachAttack: Dave?
@DaveD: Hey, Rach.
@Jenk: How are you doing this?
@DaveD: No fucking idea.
@T-Bone: Wait. So Lamb? Likely? You knew they were going to go off?
@DaveD: LOL. No.
@DaveD: I started Lamb because he’s CeeDee fucking Lamb.
@DaveD: Likely was a hunch.
@NateDog: A 32-point hunch. Fuck you, Dave.
@DaveD: Missed you too, Nate.
@T-Bone: And you seriously benched Judkins for Najee today without knowing what’s going to happen?
@DaveD: Judkins is inactive. I’m dead, not stupid.
@BigKev: Holy shit.
@Jenk: So you’re just… still playing?
@DaveD: What else am I supposed to do?
@Jenk: You think Dead Last can actually win this thing?
@DaveD: …Any given Sunday.
